Do you ever have those times where you just seem to lose yourself and not really realize it until you find yourself again? I think that puzzling question describes the past week, possibly even couple of months of my life.
It has been such a long week. Coming back to Gainesville after Thanksgiving at home, a much needed break away from everything. But just coming back and having a long, intense, and stressful "dead" week before our week and a half of 7 finals, and just on top of that feeling really alone and disconnected, I was just done by the end of lab yesterday.
So, yesterday, after running a few errands, I decided to take the evening off and just watch a movie and chill a bit. I chose to watch P.S. I Love You. I had seen it once before and remembered it being sad, but also a really really good movie, so with a cup of English tea in my Czech mug, I curled up under a blanket and watched. By the end of the movie, I was balling... literally tears streaming down my face. I have been known to tear up during movies, but not out and out ball. So I collected myself a little, and then, exhausted, just went to sleep.
10.5 hours later I woke up and felt so refreshed, relieved. I think the biggest thing was that I FELT. I had been so frustrated with the world, with people, mostly with myself that I was numb in many respects. I got ready on a beautiful rainy and actually chilly morning here in Gainesville and went to Starbucks to study for a few hours. First I sat down and read and journaled a bit. At the end I wrote (as a result of the previous 24 hours and the movie) I felt "called to live, passionately with risk-taking obedience...to love and not be afraid."
So, I studied lots of physiology, then came home, made some brownies and went to a potluck with CMDA, a Christian group of mostly med students I have plugged in with this semester. I was excited to go out, but little did I know, God had so much more in store for me. It really was just a relaxed dinner. Laughing and joking with an occasional anatomy discussion here and there. My face is actually sore from smiling and laughing so much :) Fellowship is so incredible and I loved feeling so at home as we discussed how God had called and was calling each of us to our different places in the medical field just as it came up in casual conversation...awesome! I ended up talking several times about how I made it to UF and to CMDA, and then a lot about what I wanted to specialize in. As I explained that if I'm here in the US, I'd like to specialize in ortho or in sports med, however, what I really want to do is work abroad and why that is, I cannot explain what came over me. I rediscovered something deep inside of myself, that only through shedding many tears and laughing many laughs resurfaced tonight. I realized what drove me to pursue PT school, why I am here, what my mission, my calling that my Heavenly Father has given me here and now. I felt it.
Such a huge reminder right here before finals, when just being around my classmates right now stresses me out. And yes, I have been more focused on running after God here and now trying to love and share with them. It's strange, because I think I have been more consistent in the Word this semester than ever before in my entire life... and yet, somehow I still managed to lose track of the direction I'm running, too focused on the side lines. Even this morning, I read Deut. 5&6 and Acts 7, which are two hugely encouraging and amazing passages to me, and yes, I thought about them and how incredible God's character is, but it did not strike at my core like tonight's fellowship did. But God is oh so good and faithful and always meets us in the most perfect and intimate ways. He reminded me of a dream, a big dream He's given me, a passion to drive me for His sake and His alone. So freeing, and such a relief, just to dream again!
So, there's a song that has found itself on repeat a lot lately by a worship band from Holly's church in Charlotte. Here are a few lyrics:
Bless the Lord with all that's within
O my soul I cry out with all that I am
Make me whole, here I stand
I place all my hope in you
my Healer will see me through
My Savior my God on high
The one who has brought me life
I surrender all that I am into Your hands
I'm in Your hands
That's my prayer for this next week and a half. Yes, I'm looking forward to break and seeing my sister and family but I'm here in G-ville because of a big dream and a big God who can make anything and all things possible.
