Why is grace so hard to swallow?

It's been one of those days.
One of those days where everything you touch just seems to crumble.  Where everything you do seems wrong in every way.

Stangely enough, in the past few weeks, I have had a couple of songs on repeat that just hammer the idea of grace.  Then a good friend recommended a song to me that I listened to last night.  I added it to my repeat list. 

The first song:  "Brokenness Aside" by All Sons and Daughters.
The lyrics go like this:  I am a sinner, if it's not one thing it's another.  Caught up in words, tangled in lies.
But You are the Savior and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful, beautiful.


Song number 2, one that quickly ascended to the all time favorite list after I heard it earlier this year:  "Oceans" by Hillsong
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

 Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior



And then finally "Come to Me" by Jenn Johnson:

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I’m all around you
Though you feel I’m far away, I’m closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I’m all you need.
Come to Me, I’m everything
Come to Me, I’m all you need.
Come to Me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you, I’m your faithful strength
I am with you wherever you go

Don’t look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved ooh

 I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Just come to Me, come to Me, cause I’m all that you need

The past few weeks, I have been meditating a lot on Psalm 73, Isaiah 41:10, 13.  We just named our youth group The Harbor and our vision with that is creating a safe space to equip, but also to anchor them to Christ for one they head out of the harbor (because ships aren't meant to stay in the harbor).
I am praying about going to Honduras as well as possibly a longer term trip to Kenya next summer.  My first name (Leah) means "weary" in Hebrew.  The past few weeks, I have been struggling a lot with things I have struggled with for a really long time, and each time I hit the bottom of the pit with these struggles, I am overcome with this feeling of weariness, exhaustion of fighting the same battles.  When I listened to the lyrics of this last song, I was absolutely floored that so many of these ideas I have been dwelling on are touched on in this one song (I emphasized them).  After all this, God gives me a song that speaks so intimately and specifically to me during this season.  Wow.

So last night, I had a sweet time of meditating, sitting at the Lord's feet and renewing devotion and focus on Him, my first love and the one who knows me and meets me in such sweet and intimate ways. 

And then today happened.  I really dropped the ball with my attitude towards one of my patients.  I am frustrated with some of the things coming from our corporate office at work.  I came home and jumped the gun on a decision I knew I needed to wait on. 
So, I kept myself busy and tried to process all of this failure.  And all of this truth I have been dwelling on came rushing back.  Even with all of this, this domino effect of one thing after another, God's grace is enough, it covers, and He loves me knowing all of my hang ups.  He even makes it beautiful - in His infinite goodness and sovereignty, He uses it to refine me and make me more like Christ. 
And I really didn't like it.  Why is it so hard to swallow that?  Why is grace such a tough concept?  We want that kind of love and acceptance, but when it comes down to it, when we are at the bottom of ourselves with no where else to turn, it's so tough to accept something that comes completely unmerited and completely without strings.  We can't pay Him back.  It's tough to accept we need help that we ourselves cannot get for ourselves.  We can't understand why He loves us so much when we find ourselves so un-loveable. After all of the chances He give us, surely this one was the last straw.  And yet, He beckons me back "Come to Me, I'm all you need."

I am in awe this evening.  As I was in the middle of writing this blog, I got an email - the staff was uber excited about our wilderness ministry idea.  Seriously??  I was nervous all day it hadn't gone well, and God in his perfect timing had Seth forget until the perfect moment.  I don't understand, and I am in awe of a God who orchestrates even the little things to make our day, and is weaving together my weaknesses to somehow work for good and ultimately bring glory to His holy, perfect name.

Wow.  Thank you, my Jesus.

Remembering

I was reading through an journal from before I applied to PT school.  Crazy how applicable it is now!


September 25th on a day trip to Greenville, NC to visit East Carolina University's PT Dept.
Fall has quickly set in, and with it comes a sense of nostalgia. As I drove down two lane roads between cottonfields and an occasional small town diner or bait shop, I couldn't help but feel at home and slightly homesick. Me, cruising by in my Jeep Grand Cherokee, sweater, slacks, and slipper shoes that couldn't withstand a puddle on the sidewalk, much less the muddy fields that whisked by my window. Despite all appearances, my heart yearned to pull over and run freely across the lush sea of grass and pine groves in some feable attempt to capture a piece of my childhood.
Arriving at ECUs DPT building, I get out of my car, ready to put my best foot forward and convince the world (and myself) that I can do anything, molding myself into the picture of business.
Just as I lock my door, I catch a glimpse of my reflection. I hardly recognize myself, and startled, I take a longer look. Where is that carefree little girl who dreamed big and truly believed anything is possible? Where is that free spirit that takes off across fields and leaps into lakes, rivers, and oceans with reckless abandon? A hardened, all business exterior gives just a tad, and I find her... a twinkle in my eye and then a joyful smile.
Amidst all the chaos, I can't lose track of who I am and who I want to be. I can't be what the world wants me to be, rather who God made me to be. That is why I am going to PT school... not for the lettes behind my name or to join in the rat race of getting ahead by impressing people and pushing a stone up a hill each day, but because that is where God is calling me, because I find joy in helping people like that, because I can use it internationally on missions, because living recklessly for the Kingdom is more fulfilling than anything this world can ever offer me, because I can stay joyfully childlike and not lose track of that twinkle in my eye.