Facebook reminded me today that 5 years ago I posted the comment:
"I never meant to be a [physical therapist] ... Thankfully, God's plans do not seem to be affected much by my own."
This was shortly after beginning my career as a physical therapist, and while it really was not the path I intended to be on, I never could have predicted the winding road ahead of me even in that moment. Perhaps because this time of year tends to be one of transition for me, I find myself reflecting on where I've been.
Ten years ago this month, I went to Czech for the first time with my church in college. We went to help with English Camps put on by the church there to build relationships and ultimately spread the gospel to one of the spiritually darkest places in Europe. Prior to this, I had no inkling of a call to missions abroad. This trip, just a few weeks shy of my 21st birthday, changed the course of my life. In the next year, I officially switched to physical therapy with intentions of serving in medical missions in some capacity in the future.
In July 2012, I had been to Czech 3 times for English Camp and Nicaragua 3 times on short term medical mission projects. I took a job with plans to gain experience here before looking at more long term opportunities.
In July 2014, I quit that job and went to Kenya to serve at a medical mission hospital for a month. Once again, I had every intention of this just being a stepping stone to longer term maybe even career missions. After all, that calling, that dream was what got me through the toughest moments of physical therapy school.
Kenya, however, was not what I expected. I came back questioning everything I had come to believe about missions and wondering if there was a place for me overseas. After lots and lots of processing and reading, I have come to 3 conclusions about overseas missions - 1) We must be careful to do no harm - spread the gospel, the love of Jesus, not "Americanism"; 2) Missions done "correctly" is extremely difficult, far from glorious - it is a slow grind way down in the trenches with people you are called to love with the very present risk of them spitting in your face every single day; and 3) I do not feel I can go at it alone.
So I came back to the US. When I left for Kenya, I thought I would come back and start planning the next trip, make the next leap towards career medical missions and perhaps throw in some youth or wilderness ministry internationally as well. Instead, I was in limbo. I didn't plan for this. I didn't plan to be here.
So here I am three years later and still feel very much in limbo. I have worked 2 travel positions, one very short and ill-fated full time position, and now I have 3 jobs - 1 in pediatrics, 2 in acute care (all PRN). I have dabbled in training for hippotherapy, but I find myself a little trigger shy (is that a term?) on all fronts. At the beginning of this year, the pieces seemed to be falling into place. God seem to be providing outlets for me - backpacking ministry at my church, hippotherapy conference, horses, jobs. Only to have backpacking ministry stripped away yet again - I think that makes 3 times now, so I'm done on that front.
And I can't say Kenya was a total loss. Pediatric PT, acute care PT, and hippotherapy were all things I was either exposed to or was discussed there that wanted to pursue when I got home. And I love my three days of pediatric PT each week. As stressful as it is some days, I truly feel like that is where I am supposed to be for now. Yes, the commute is rough, but God has blessed my time there, so on I will trudge. I pray I can love those children and families how Jesus would have me to each day.
As far as all of the other pieces, well, they are still floating around on their helium balloons. Recently, I have felt my heart strangely stirred when missions or missionaries come up in church. Even this morning, a couple was commissioned to southeast Asia and I had this fleeting thought that it could be me one day again, maybe. But also this morning, we finished our series in Ruth. God uses Naomi's darkest moment - the moment she never intended or planned to be in - when she clung to the tiniest thread of faith to change the course of history for Israel and the entire planet for the rest of time. It is amazing when we can look back and see our subtle beginnings, our blind wanderings turn into a beautiful piece of a great tapestry God is weaving. We get glimpses every now and then, but I think for the most part, we'll have to wait until the other side of eternity to see.
So, I still don't really have any answers. Maybe I didn't have answers really 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or 3 years ago. People ask when my next adventure or big trip is. I don't know, and right now, I don't feel free to go.
