Tuesday, April 5, 2011
A Hole in Me
When I came back from Nicaragua, I jumped right into my first full time internship, but have carved out a bit of time the past few weeks to reflect on Nicaragua as I have met with and talked to people. I did not realize just how burnt out I was going into spring break this year. I was so thankful to have a week off before this trip to really process through the past 2-3 months, pray, and really prepare for my time in Nicaragua. For the first 6 months or so I was in Florida, I felt very alone. It was a tough time, but God used it to grow me in some unique ways. Feeling alone and out of really close fellowship and community, I didn't struggle as much with people pleasing and worrying about what other people thought and became so much more content with who I am in Christ and confident in who He has called me to be. Half way through 2nd semester of PT school, a group of us started meeting and started a Bible study with our class. Having fellowship and running alongside like-minded people day after day within my class was so encouraging. It was a neat group, taking time to encourage one another but also challenging one another to be purposeful, very stretching. We were so blessed to see fruit. Bible study continued and changed over the summer and fall semesters, adding the 1st years. In the beginning of spring semester, we prepared to hand over the reins for Bible study to the first years. There was also some division that occurred that I am still struggling with. The unresolved conflict really wore on me on top of frustrations from a strenuous class schedule, and I was back to feeling lonely again, but I couldn't really see through the muck and just became discouraged and frustrated. By the time we finished classes, I was just done, done with school, done with people and ready to get away. I was ready for Nicaragua simply because it was an escape. But God really worked on me over spring break. I am reading a book called The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Sterns, the president of World Vision. In it, he challenges people through his testimony of how he came to World Vision to take hold of the faith God calls us to in the gospel, inspiring people to dream big and take God at His word, examining what God expects of us as believers. In the opening chapters he describes a prayer the founder of World Vision used to pray, saying "Lord, break my heart for the things that break Yours." Without realizing it, this became my prayer. I was heart broken and jaded about PT and people, but I wanted to feel compassion again, to see a point to the past few months. I felt rested and ready, but still unsure of exactly why God had me going back to Nicaragua at this point. So I escaped Gainesville and all that reminded me of PT school to join with 50 other students, doctors, dentists, nurses, and logistics people from all over the country to serve the people of a small town in Nicaragua. So good to see familiar faces from last year and meet new ones as we met in Managua. We made our way out to the small town we'd be setting up our clinic in and I was terrified for the start of clinic on Monday morning. Last year, I was thrown into being a NicDPT and really had no clue the amount of information I didn't know. This year, I was well aware of all that I don't know and really nervous about messing up. Last year, I had been shoved into God's loving arms, forced to cling and trust Him with all my being. This year, God had to teach me to choose to trust Him. The first day, I was super busy and churned through each patient, remembering my ortho classes and getting into the groove of low back pain exercises and education. I did a bit of soft tissue work when I felt it was appropriate. It was fun working with the doctors again, trying to remember some of my PT Spanish and getting to know my translator, and then returning for frisbee on the beach and euchre tournaments as we debriefed for the evening. The next day, I did some more manual work and just before lunch, I had a woman come to me. In my sinfulness, I was skeptical. Something about the way she gave her history made me think she was just fishing for a massage. But the Spirit working in me challenged me to die to myself and my stupid selfishness. I asked her to lay down and worked on her upper traps which felt like iron rods alongside both sides of her neck. She was pretty quiet, but her demeanor changed as I continued to work out her many knots. We sat up and I asked if she had any questions. She asked if I thought her neck pain could come from psychological stress. I said yes and explained that stress could cause muscle tightness (as I rubbed my shoulders, still sore from finals week stress :). She nodded pensively and then went on to explain that 2 months before she had left her husband who had physically abused her for 20 years, but she'd had enough and walked away. In that moment, everything in me shattered. Here was this woman, I couldn't even imagine the pain she had experienced, the courage she must have had, and simply the act of touch allowed her to open up. She was a believer, and praying alongside her that morning was one of the sweetest moments. And to think, in my selfishness, I almost denied her the one gift, the one talent I had to offer her. The rest of the week, the Spirit continued to move and open up conversation after conversation opening up during treatments, exercising and manual therapy. Practicing physical therapy quickly became completely a side item, simply a vessel to meet people where they were at and minister to them at an emotional and spiritual level. God is so good, and in our weakness is so strong. We just need to be sensitive, faithful, and trust Him. In those moments, God allowed me to see people as He sees them, broken and hurting, and I felt compassion. By the end of the week, I felt like we had always been there. I praise God for how He has orchestrated my life to bring to PT school and equipped me in such a unique way to minister to people, something I didn't necessarily see before. In Sterns' book, he quotes Federick Buechner: "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." That's how I feel about my time in Nicaragua, and even more confident in my dream to serve as a medical missionary at some point in the future, hopefully the near future. He also references the miracle of feeding the 5,000. One little boy gave what He had with no idea what God could do with it. We just offer what we have, time, talents, and treasure, and when we trust God with it, we have no idea what He will do with it! So, here I am back in Gainesville. Classmates are scattered all over Florida. Being in Gainesville is hard without that community of people, but at the same time, it has been amazing to bury myself in clinic and youth ministry, for everything else to fall by the wayside under those 2 priorities. So refreshing for life to be simplified, for distractions to fade away, to have quiet to listen to the whispering of the Spirit moving and working. Pray that continues through the summer... A part of me is worried of getting off track again, but I know once again, I must choose to trust, to surrender that aspect of life to my Rock and my Redeemer.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Final Thoughts
We head out early in the morning to one of the poorest countries in the Western hemisphere. To cold showers. We can't drink the water or even wet our toothbrush with it. The greatest variety in food I can even hope for is still a small variation on rice and beans. No internet. No phone. Heat and humidity like no where else as we set up an open air clinic. Little sleep. Bugs, rats, rabid animals, and the threat of typhoid with each bite.
And I couldn't be more excited this day has finally come!
Me and 55 other like-minded, followers of Jesus setting out to make His name known in San Juan del Sur and Las Delicias, Nicaragua and serve the people of that community. Please be praying that many would come to know Christ through our endeavors this week, that in the end it wouldn't be about us or anything we can accomplish, but that God would receive all the glory, honor, and praise! We would come not placing trust in the gifts we have, but in Him who gave them to us to work through and in us this week.
Love you guys and look forward to catching up when I'm back stateside! :)
Phil. 1:27, 2:1-7
Col. 3:12-17
And I couldn't be more excited this day has finally come!
Me and 55 other like-minded, followers of Jesus setting out to make His name known in San Juan del Sur and Las Delicias, Nicaragua and serve the people of that community. Please be praying that many would come to know Christ through our endeavors this week, that in the end it wouldn't be about us or anything we can accomplish, but that God would receive all the glory, honor, and praise! We would come not placing trust in the gifts we have, but in Him who gave them to us to work through and in us this week.
Love you guys and look forward to catching up when I'm back stateside! :)
Phil. 1:27, 2:1-7
Col. 3:12-17
Prayer Letter
Here is my prayer letter I sent out for more info about our trip and how you can be praying for us this week:
I hope this letter finds you doing well and finding joy in Christ alone, His goodness and faithfulness. He alone is worthy, and it is so exciting that He allows each and every one of us to play a unique role in His perfect plan as we sojourn in this world.
I am still in Florida in my second year of physical therapy school. Last year, I had an opportunity to spend my spring break on a medical mission trip with the Christian Medical and Dental Association and Global Health Outreach to Nicaragua, one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere. I feel called into the field of physical therapy with the purpose of using it as a vessel to carry Christ’s name to other nations. This short week only confirmed that desire of my heart. It was incredible to see how caring for people’s physical needs could be such a perfect door to sharing the gospel and offering eternal hope in Christ that would last long beyond our time there. Feeling incredibly inadequate, it was amazing to see God’s strength in my weakness and how He used our team to draw many people to Himself. Looking back on that short week, I felt like this was what I was made for, surrendering to Him as He willed and worked all things for His good pleasure.
It was an incredible reminder of purpose as I returned to the classroom refreshed. God then began to stir the hearts of 6 believers in my class for other classmates who are non-believers. After meeting and praying together, we started inviting others to a lunch time Bible study. This opened up so many opportunities for sharing our testimonies with others and challenging those around us. God has continued to work among our class of 53 students over the past year and has allowed us to see lives transformed. We laugh that we really had no idea what we were doing (and really still don’t) and felt in way over our heads, but simple acts of obedience and challenging one another in our faith, God has blessed abundantly.
In March, we begin our first 2 month clinical internships and will be passing the Bible study baton to the next class of PT students. We pray the next 8 weeks we will be able to finish strong, not in our own strength but in submission to whatever Christ has for us. Due to the schedule of my clinical, I did not think I would be able to return to Nicaragua this year with CMDA/GHO. However, I came back after Christmas break really challenged to test a few “doors” and see if it could be possible. God is gracious and faithful indeed, and those doors opened. I received the final okay from my clinical director last week to shift my clinical, so I can return to Nicaragua with my team from last year!!
I am so excited for this opportunity, especially right before I go into the clinic full time. Once again, we will go to the small town of Masachapa and set up a clinic and have a chance to meet even the most basic medical needs of a community of people while offering them eternal life in Christ. Last year, the team had over 50 people from all over the country. We had many physicians including surgeons, dentists, a pharmacist, a nursing staff, and students in all healthcare fields as well as many logistics personnel and a pastor. We had triage, a medical clinic, pharmacy, dental clinic, two surgical suites, and an optometry clinic with hundreds of pairs of donated glasses, and yes, I even had the chance to do some physical therapy on patients. Overall, we saw over 2000 people during the week. But more importantly, we were able to minister to the people, praying and sharing the Gospel with them. CMDA/GHO also has many people on staff in Nicaragua that are able to follow up with those who accept Christ and provide them with resources for fellowship and growth after we are gone.
My hope in sending out these letters is to raise up an army of people praying for us during these last few weeks with my classmates and as I prepare and go overseas. I invite you to join us in impacting this country for Christ. In addition to praying for our team, our fundraising efforts, unity with one another in Christ, safety, etc., please pray that God would be preparing a way for us and softening hearts for our short time there. Pray that He will give us spirits of power and boldness and words to speak to bring His awesome and marvelous name glory in Central America, that people will see and experience not our medical expertise, but the love of Christ and a life-changing relationship with Him.
I hope this letter finds you doing well and finding joy in Christ alone, His goodness and faithfulness. He alone is worthy, and it is so exciting that He allows each and every one of us to play a unique role in His perfect plan as we sojourn in this world.
I am still in Florida in my second year of physical therapy school. Last year, I had an opportunity to spend my spring break on a medical mission trip with the Christian Medical and Dental Association and Global Health Outreach to Nicaragua, one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere. I feel called into the field of physical therapy with the purpose of using it as a vessel to carry Christ’s name to other nations. This short week only confirmed that desire of my heart. It was incredible to see how caring for people’s physical needs could be such a perfect door to sharing the gospel and offering eternal hope in Christ that would last long beyond our time there. Feeling incredibly inadequate, it was amazing to see God’s strength in my weakness and how He used our team to draw many people to Himself. Looking back on that short week, I felt like this was what I was made for, surrendering to Him as He willed and worked all things for His good pleasure.
It was an incredible reminder of purpose as I returned to the classroom refreshed. God then began to stir the hearts of 6 believers in my class for other classmates who are non-believers. After meeting and praying together, we started inviting others to a lunch time Bible study. This opened up so many opportunities for sharing our testimonies with others and challenging those around us. God has continued to work among our class of 53 students over the past year and has allowed us to see lives transformed. We laugh that we really had no idea what we were doing (and really still don’t) and felt in way over our heads, but simple acts of obedience and challenging one another in our faith, God has blessed abundantly.
In March, we begin our first 2 month clinical internships and will be passing the Bible study baton to the next class of PT students. We pray the next 8 weeks we will be able to finish strong, not in our own strength but in submission to whatever Christ has for us. Due to the schedule of my clinical, I did not think I would be able to return to Nicaragua this year with CMDA/GHO. However, I came back after Christmas break really challenged to test a few “doors” and see if it could be possible. God is gracious and faithful indeed, and those doors opened. I received the final okay from my clinical director last week to shift my clinical, so I can return to Nicaragua with my team from last year!!
I am so excited for this opportunity, especially right before I go into the clinic full time. Once again, we will go to the small town of Masachapa and set up a clinic and have a chance to meet even the most basic medical needs of a community of people while offering them eternal life in Christ. Last year, the team had over 50 people from all over the country. We had many physicians including surgeons, dentists, a pharmacist, a nursing staff, and students in all healthcare fields as well as many logistics personnel and a pastor. We had triage, a medical clinic, pharmacy, dental clinic, two surgical suites, and an optometry clinic with hundreds of pairs of donated glasses, and yes, I even had the chance to do some physical therapy on patients. Overall, we saw over 2000 people during the week. But more importantly, we were able to minister to the people, praying and sharing the Gospel with them. CMDA/GHO also has many people on staff in Nicaragua that are able to follow up with those who accept Christ and provide them with resources for fellowship and growth after we are gone.
My hope in sending out these letters is to raise up an army of people praying for us during these last few weeks with my classmates and as I prepare and go overseas. I invite you to join us in impacting this country for Christ. In addition to praying for our team, our fundraising efforts, unity with one another in Christ, safety, etc., please pray that God would be preparing a way for us and softening hearts for our short time there. Pray that He will give us spirits of power and boldness and words to speak to bring His awesome and marvelous name glory in Central America, that people will see and experience not our medical expertise, but the love of Christ and a life-changing relationship with Him.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Just thoughts
Less than 2 days.
I received my box of stuff to take at the beginning of the week. It included a little devotion guide for before during and after our trip. As I was journaling through one of the lessons and praying, I realized just how much I have needed this week off to prepare myself for next week, and I still feel pretty overwhelmed! But I am thankful for a bit of peace in the midst of a painful growing and refining season.
This year thus far has been filled with a lot of turmoil kind of all around, emotionally and spiritually. I have learned a lot and am still just trying to process a lot. I am tempted to ask why. A few weeks ago, a family at church shared their testimony of having 2 young children diagnosed with leukemia and consequently losing one of them after a tough battle. They described a pivotal moment in their walk when they were challenged to choose between faith and no faith in this situation. The dad then said "when you choose faith, you give up being able to ask why ... if we really believe what we say we believe then we'll all be together for eternity anyway." I was in awe of how God gave them that kind of perspective in such a horrible situation. And not that I in anyway feel like I am in nearly that terrible of a situation, but I was challenged. By definition, choosing faith eliminates the possibility of asking why this is happening to me. Interesting.
I feel like thus far, everything has always seemed very black and white in my life, each crossroads, each test. I've dreamed big and chased those dreams relentlessly seeing doors both open and slam in my face. Even the paths I wouldn't have necessarily chosen for myself I look back on with joy and confidence knowing it was exactly where I needed to be. I feel so much more uncertainty here and now, and I'm learning what it's like to live in the gray and to deal with things I have absolutely no control over no matter how much I pursue, no matter how relentlessly I try, namely people around me. I have questioned what exactly God expects of us as believers, what exactly I should call believers around me to: a list of rules or a radical life of fleeing from yet engaging the world? How do you do that without letting people settle for a to-do list? Am I more influenced by Scripture/truth or the communities around me?
I have looked at my life, why I am doing what I am doing, why I am pursuing what I am pursuing? Because I feel like it's expected, because it impresses other people, or because at the bottom of my joy is a desire to please God and love Him with my life because of both what He did for me on the cross and also how He pursues my wretched heart each and every day meeting me in the most amazing ways? I think it gets muddled a lot, but I pray at the end of the day it is the later.
So that's where I have been leading up to this trip. Even going on this trip was a lesson in being divided. I told people I couldn't go back because of my clinical schedule and our spring break was different, which was true, but I hadn't even asked if it could be moved to let me go back. Deep down I was waiting for something else to come along, a better opportunity, a groundless hope. After Passion, convicted, I came back and decided to see if those doors I had left untried would indeed give. And they did give way quickly and in perfect succession. Yes, God is sovereign, but there is definitely a balance of us being obedient and moving as well. And then there's also just that idea of depending on Him in prayer constantly. So many seemingly conflicting ideas that just don't make sense to my simple mind. A quote from a book by Leslie Ludy I'm reading: "This is why most people spend more time reasoning about God's Word than actually obeying it." I don't want to be in that crowd, because I have seen and tasted so much more even the past few weeks, seeing God transform lives around me and experiencing a joy like no other. Obedience is painful at times and causes us to surrender pieces of ourselves we'd rather just be left alone, but it's so worth it... at least that's what I am trusting right now! :)
Anyways, please be praying for me with all this and my team as we embark on this journey. We will be seeing around 2,000 people go through our clinic next week in a town they have never been to before in this organization. I still desire to serve as a medical missionary, long term, career? at some point in the future and definitely felt that confirmed after last year. Surprisingly this year, I don't feel like I am going for a repeat confirmation, but more excited for a week of no phone, no internet, etc. of running alongside 55 other believers serving Jesus 24/7 with no distractions... yea...
Also, I'm cutting it a bit close getting back next Sunday night and then starting orientation for my first clinical internship the next morning at 7:30 am :) Those of you that know me, this shouldn't surprise you in the least :) so please pray for supernatural endurance, strength and that all of our flights and transportation from Nicaragua to Gainesville go safely and smoothly!
I received my box of stuff to take at the beginning of the week. It included a little devotion guide for before during and after our trip. As I was journaling through one of the lessons and praying, I realized just how much I have needed this week off to prepare myself for next week, and I still feel pretty overwhelmed! But I am thankful for a bit of peace in the midst of a painful growing and refining season.
This year thus far has been filled with a lot of turmoil kind of all around, emotionally and spiritually. I have learned a lot and am still just trying to process a lot. I am tempted to ask why. A few weeks ago, a family at church shared their testimony of having 2 young children diagnosed with leukemia and consequently losing one of them after a tough battle. They described a pivotal moment in their walk when they were challenged to choose between faith and no faith in this situation. The dad then said "when you choose faith, you give up being able to ask why ... if we really believe what we say we believe then we'll all be together for eternity anyway." I was in awe of how God gave them that kind of perspective in such a horrible situation. And not that I in anyway feel like I am in nearly that terrible of a situation, but I was challenged. By definition, choosing faith eliminates the possibility of asking why this is happening to me. Interesting.
I feel like thus far, everything has always seemed very black and white in my life, each crossroads, each test. I've dreamed big and chased those dreams relentlessly seeing doors both open and slam in my face. Even the paths I wouldn't have necessarily chosen for myself I look back on with joy and confidence knowing it was exactly where I needed to be. I feel so much more uncertainty here and now, and I'm learning what it's like to live in the gray and to deal with things I have absolutely no control over no matter how much I pursue, no matter how relentlessly I try, namely people around me. I have questioned what exactly God expects of us as believers, what exactly I should call believers around me to: a list of rules or a radical life of fleeing from yet engaging the world? How do you do that without letting people settle for a to-do list? Am I more influenced by Scripture/truth or the communities around me?
I have looked at my life, why I am doing what I am doing, why I am pursuing what I am pursuing? Because I feel like it's expected, because it impresses other people, or because at the bottom of my joy is a desire to please God and love Him with my life because of both what He did for me on the cross and also how He pursues my wretched heart each and every day meeting me in the most amazing ways? I think it gets muddled a lot, but I pray at the end of the day it is the later.
So that's where I have been leading up to this trip. Even going on this trip was a lesson in being divided. I told people I couldn't go back because of my clinical schedule and our spring break was different, which was true, but I hadn't even asked if it could be moved to let me go back. Deep down I was waiting for something else to come along, a better opportunity, a groundless hope. After Passion, convicted, I came back and decided to see if those doors I had left untried would indeed give. And they did give way quickly and in perfect succession. Yes, God is sovereign, but there is definitely a balance of us being obedient and moving as well. And then there's also just that idea of depending on Him in prayer constantly. So many seemingly conflicting ideas that just don't make sense to my simple mind. A quote from a book by Leslie Ludy I'm reading: "This is why most people spend more time reasoning about God's Word than actually obeying it." I don't want to be in that crowd, because I have seen and tasted so much more even the past few weeks, seeing God transform lives around me and experiencing a joy like no other. Obedience is painful at times and causes us to surrender pieces of ourselves we'd rather just be left alone, but it's so worth it... at least that's what I am trusting right now! :)
Anyways, please be praying for me with all this and my team as we embark on this journey. We will be seeing around 2,000 people go through our clinic next week in a town they have never been to before in this organization. I still desire to serve as a medical missionary, long term, career? at some point in the future and definitely felt that confirmed after last year. Surprisingly this year, I don't feel like I am going for a repeat confirmation, but more excited for a week of no phone, no internet, etc. of running alongside 55 other believers serving Jesus 24/7 with no distractions... yea...
Also, I'm cutting it a bit close getting back next Sunday night and then starting orientation for my first clinical internship the next morning at 7:30 am :) Those of you that know me, this shouldn't surprise you in the least :) so please pray for supernatural endurance, strength and that all of our flights and transportation from Nicaragua to Gainesville go safely and smoothly!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Who would have thought?
...that a year ago I'd be able to return to Nicaragua with CMDA/GHO this year?
A few weeks ago, with a few e-mails and hoops to jump through and God's sovereign hand opening the necessary doors and shoving me through them, I got the final go ahead to shift my clinical internship this spring and go back to Nicaragua!
So excited! And also a little more nervous than I imagined. I'll be expected to know a little more as a 2nd year PT student. A 2nd year going back anywhere in my experience is always a little interesting and presents it's own set of challenges, so I just pray for dependence on the Lord each and every moment. We are going to an area that CMDA and GHO has never been to before, so I'm excited for that aspect of it as well.
Psalm 69:13
Acts 20:24
Phil. 1:21, 4:6-7
A few weeks ago, with a few e-mails and hoops to jump through and God's sovereign hand opening the necessary doors and shoving me through them, I got the final go ahead to shift my clinical internship this spring and go back to Nicaragua!
So excited! And also a little more nervous than I imagined. I'll be expected to know a little more as a 2nd year PT student. A 2nd year going back anywhere in my experience is always a little interesting and presents it's own set of challenges, so I just pray for dependence on the Lord each and every moment. We are going to an area that CMDA and GHO has never been to before, so I'm excited for that aspect of it as well.
Psalm 69:13
Acts 20:24
Phil. 1:21, 4:6-7
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