Just thoughts

Less than 2 days.

I received my box of stuff to take at the beginning of the week. It included a little devotion guide for before during and after our trip. As I was journaling through one of the lessons and praying, I realized just how much I have needed this week off to prepare myself for next week, and I still feel pretty overwhelmed! But I am thankful for a bit of peace in the midst of a painful growing and refining season.

This year thus far has been filled with a lot of turmoil kind of all around, emotionally and spiritually. I have learned a lot and am still just trying to process a lot. I am tempted to ask why. A few weeks ago, a family at church shared their testimony of having 2 young children diagnosed with leukemia and consequently losing one of them after a tough battle. They described a pivotal moment in their walk when they were challenged to choose between faith and no faith in this situation. The dad then said "when you choose faith, you give up being able to ask why ... if we really believe what we say we believe then we'll all be together for eternity anyway." I was in awe of how God gave them that kind of perspective in such a horrible situation. And not that I in anyway feel like I am in nearly that terrible of a situation, but I was challenged. By definition, choosing faith eliminates the possibility of asking why this is happening to me. Interesting.

I feel like thus far, everything has always seemed very black and white in my life, each crossroads, each test. I've dreamed big and chased those dreams relentlessly seeing doors both open and slam in my face. Even the paths I wouldn't have necessarily chosen for myself I look back on with joy and confidence knowing it was exactly where I needed to be. I feel so much more uncertainty here and now, and I'm learning what it's like to live in the gray and to deal with things I have absolutely no control over no matter how much I pursue, no matter how relentlessly I try, namely people around me. I have questioned what exactly God expects of us as believers, what exactly I should call believers around me to: a list of rules or a radical life of fleeing from yet engaging the world? How do you do that without letting people settle for a to-do list? Am I more influenced by Scripture/truth or the communities around me?
I have looked at my life, why I am doing what I am doing, why I am pursuing what I am pursuing? Because I feel like it's expected, because it impresses other people, or because at the bottom of my joy is a desire to please God and love Him with my life because of both what He did for me on the cross and also how He pursues my wretched heart each and every day meeting me in the most amazing ways? I think it gets muddled a lot, but I pray at the end of the day it is the later.

So that's where I have been leading up to this trip. Even going on this trip was a lesson in being divided. I told people I couldn't go back because of my clinical schedule and our spring break was different, which was true, but I hadn't even asked if it could be moved to let me go back. Deep down I was waiting for something else to come along, a better opportunity, a groundless hope. After Passion, convicted, I came back and decided to see if those doors I had left untried would indeed give. And they did give way quickly and in perfect succession. Yes, God is sovereign, but there is definitely a balance of us being obedient and moving as well. And then there's also just that idea of depending on Him in prayer constantly. So many seemingly conflicting ideas that just don't make sense to my simple mind. A quote from a book by Leslie Ludy I'm reading: "This is why most people spend more time reasoning about God's Word than actually obeying it." I don't want to be in that crowd, because I have seen and tasted so much more even the past few weeks, seeing God transform lives around me and experiencing a joy like no other. Obedience is painful at times and causes us to surrender pieces of ourselves we'd rather just be left alone, but it's so worth it... at least that's what I am trusting right now! :)

Anyways, please be praying for me with all this and my team as we embark on this journey. We will be seeing around 2,000 people go through our clinic next week in a town they have never been to before in this organization. I still desire to serve as a medical missionary, long term, career? at some point in the future and definitely felt that confirmed after last year. Surprisingly this year, I don't feel like I am going for a repeat confirmation, but more excited for a week of no phone, no internet, etc. of running alongside 55 other believers serving Jesus 24/7 with no distractions... yea...

Also, I'm cutting it a bit close getting back next Sunday night and then starting orientation for my first clinical internship the next morning at 7:30 am :) Those of you that know me, this shouldn't surprise you in the least :) so please pray for supernatural endurance, strength and that all of our flights and transportation from Nicaragua to Gainesville go safely and smoothly!