A Hole in Me

When I came back from Nicaragua, I jumped right into my first full time internship, but have carved out a bit of time the past few weeks to reflect on Nicaragua as I have met with and talked to people. I did not realize just how burnt out I was going into spring break this year. I was so thankful to have a week off before this trip to really process through the past 2-3 months, pray, and really prepare for my time in Nicaragua. For the first 6 months or so I was in Florida, I felt very alone. It was a tough time, but God used it to grow me in some unique ways. Feeling alone and out of really close fellowship and community, I didn't struggle as much with people pleasing and worrying about what other people thought and became so much more content with who I am in Christ and confident in who He has called me to be. Half way through 2nd semester of PT school, a group of us started meeting and started a Bible study with our class. Having fellowship and running alongside like-minded people day after day within my class was so encouraging. It was a neat group, taking time to encourage one another but also challenging one another to be purposeful, very stretching. We were so blessed to see fruit. Bible study continued and changed over the summer and fall semesters, adding the 1st years. In the beginning of spring semester, we prepared to hand over the reins for Bible study to the first years. There was also some division that occurred that I am still struggling with. The unresolved conflict really wore on me on top of frustrations from a strenuous class schedule, and I was back to feeling lonely again, but I couldn't really see through the muck and just became discouraged and frustrated. By the time we finished classes, I was just done, done with school, done with people and ready to get away. I was ready for Nicaragua simply because it was an escape. But God really worked on me over spring break. I am reading a book called The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Sterns, the president of World Vision. In it, he challenges people through his testimony of how he came to World Vision to take hold of the faith God calls us to in the gospel, inspiring people to dream big and take God at His word, examining what God expects of us as believers. In the opening chapters he describes a prayer the founder of World Vision used to pray, saying "Lord, break my heart for the things that break Yours." Without realizing it, this became my prayer. I was heart broken and jaded about PT and people, but I wanted to feel compassion again, to see a point to the past few months. I felt rested and ready, but still unsure of exactly why God had me going back to Nicaragua at this point. So I escaped Gainesville and all that reminded me of PT school to join with 50 other students, doctors, dentists, nurses, and logistics people from all over the country to serve the people of a small town in Nicaragua. So good to see familiar faces from last year and meet new ones as we met in Managua. We made our way out to the small town we'd be setting up our clinic in and I was terrified for the start of clinic on Monday morning. Last year, I was thrown into being a NicDPT and really had no clue the amount of information I didn't know. This year, I was well aware of all that I don't know and really nervous about messing up. Last year, I had been shoved into God's loving arms, forced to cling and trust Him with all my being. This year, God had to teach me to choose to trust Him. The first day, I was super busy and churned through each patient, remembering my ortho classes and getting into the groove of low back pain exercises and education. I did a bit of soft tissue work when I felt it was appropriate. It was fun working with the doctors again, trying to remember some of my PT Spanish and getting to know my translator, and then returning for frisbee on the beach and euchre tournaments as we debriefed for the evening. The next day, I did some more manual work and just before lunch, I had a woman come to me. In my sinfulness, I was skeptical. Something about the way she gave her history made me think she was just fishing for a massage. But the Spirit working in me challenged me to die to myself and my stupid selfishness. I asked her to lay down and worked on her upper traps which felt like iron rods alongside both sides of her neck. She was pretty quiet, but her demeanor changed as I continued to work out her many knots. We sat up and I asked if she had any questions. She asked if I thought her neck pain could come from psychological stress. I said yes and explained that stress could cause muscle tightness (as I rubbed my shoulders, still sore from finals week stress :). She nodded pensively and then went on to explain that 2 months before she had left her husband who had physically abused her for 20 years, but she'd had enough and walked away. In that moment, everything in me shattered. Here was this woman, I couldn't even imagine the pain she had experienced, the courage she must have had, and simply the act of touch allowed her to open up. She was a believer, and praying alongside her that morning was one of the sweetest moments. And to think, in my selfishness, I almost denied her the one gift, the one talent I had to offer her. The rest of the week, the Spirit continued to move and open up conversation after conversation opening up during treatments, exercising and manual therapy. Practicing physical therapy quickly became completely a side item, simply a vessel to meet people where they were at and minister to them at an emotional and spiritual level. God is so good, and in our weakness is so strong. We just need to be sensitive, faithful, and trust Him. In those moments, God allowed me to see people as He sees them, broken and hurting, and I felt compassion. By the end of the week, I felt like we had always been there. I praise God for how He has orchestrated my life to bring to PT school and equipped me in such a unique way to minister to people, something I didn't necessarily see before. In Sterns' book, he quotes Federick Buechner: "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." That's how I feel about my time in Nicaragua, and even more confident in my dream to serve as a medical missionary at some point in the future, hopefully the near future. He also references the miracle of feeding the 5,000. One little boy gave what He had with no idea what God could do with it. We just offer what we have, time, talents, and treasure, and when we trust God with it, we have no idea what He will do with it! So, here I am back in Gainesville. Classmates are scattered all over Florida. Being in Gainesville is hard without that community of people, but at the same time, it has been amazing to bury myself in clinic and youth ministry, for everything else to fall by the wayside under those 2 priorities. So refreshing for life to be simplified, for distractions to fade away, to have quiet to listen to the whispering of the Spirit moving and working. Pray that continues through the summer... A part of me is worried of getting off track again, but I know once again, I must choose to trust, to surrender that aspect of life to my Rock and my Redeemer.