Our Glorious Boaz

Last Sunday, the pastor at my church humorously introduced that day's sermon in Ruth when Boaz and Ruth first meet as a lighthearted day to look at romance for Valentine's Day.  I just remember wanting to curl up under the pew and hide.  Just so happens (*cough*), I had worn waterproof mascara that morning just kind of on a whim... I suppose God is sovereign even in the smallest of things, because while everyone around me laughed at his funny stories (and they were funny), I wept... and not just teared up... I blubbered through pretty much the whole 2nd half of his message.


A few weeks before all of this, I was driving down the road thinking.  We decided our first girls' night of the semester with our youth group girls would be the Monday before Valentine's Day and we would get dressed up and go to Sullivan's for dessert.  I was just minding my own business, driving down Clemson Blvd when it stuck me what I needed to share with our girls.  I hadn't really planned to have a talk, but the Spirit was about as clear as it's ever been to me.  The phrase that I could not get out of my head was "Christ is enough."  I knew I needed to share with them that they were completely whole and loved beyond comprehension by the God who created the stars and holds them in His hands no matter what their relationship status is.  He calls them daughter and yes, sent His Son to die for them, BUT He also is living and active and meets them in ways each and every day that speak to their hearts so intimately.  I recalled several times even in the past few weeks that this has happened to me - a moment where my heart is strangely warmed as what seems like a random circumstance I know was God speaking to my heart and showing His love for me right now.


So back to last Sunday - I felt so confused, because I had been doing so good and I feel so content right now.  Even the thought of a relationship is a little repulsive at the moment for whatever reason.  I am excited for how God has been moving and working in my life and the future adventures and doors that are opening.  And then out of nowhere, here I am crying during a relationship sermon.
But there was some brokenness to be dealt with.  I realized I didn't weep because I was discontent, I wept because of brokenness that has followed me for years, insecurity and lies that have whispered in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember.


The part that really got me going was when Pastor Mark talked about Boaz *still* being single.  "What did this guy have 3 eyes??!!?"  He went on to say, "No!  It was God's providence."
(Deep breath)  Here goes - I've never dated anyone, never been on a date.  I've only been asked twice in my entire life - one of which was in the 6th grade, the other was a couple years ago and was really bad timing and clearly not where God was directing (no interest whatsoever).
And so, here I am almost 28 and never been on a date, and so begs the question - what is wrong with me?  I've often wondered if all the mirrors I look in are somehow distorted or if my personality is somehow so repulsing, and people are just nice to me out of sympathy or something.


And so I wept - it's God's providence.


In his message, Pastor Mark mentioned several really practical things, questions to be asked of guys and girls.  One challenge he mentioned was to see the girl that is in front of you.  More times than I can count over the past 10 years, and mostly in the past 5, I've had guy friends, guys that I hoped something might happen with, maybe just maybe this time something would happen.  And literally every single time right at the climax of my hope, those guys have started dating someone else.  I can't even describe the pain and the hurt of a hope crashing down and a dying dream.  I remembered each of these scenarios and cried more as I felt like I was the girl in front of them and was overlooked each time.


But God is sovereign; God is faithful; and God is good.  The closing song was "How He loves us."  Oh goodness.  Brokenness aside, He loves us.  And at the end of the day, Jesus is "our glorious Boaz" and loves us and pursues us like no person on this planet can. 


I walked out of service trying not to make eye contact with anyone as I bee-lined for the bathroom and then stalled in there as long as I could before making my way to a lunch meeting hoping I could hold myself together. 


I finally made it home and went for a run.  And then I remembered I had the girls' night the next evening and what I was supposed to talk about.  That was the last thing I wanted to think about, so I vegged out and then went to bed early.  The next day though, I had to face it.  I read through what I had typed up to share, and it was more of a message to me than I think to the girls.  No matter what my perspective is, there are truths that I know about God that trump any of my circumstances.  And Christ is enough, no matter what my relationship status is.

All of these things I knew in my head, but out of this brokenness, some of it trickled down into my heart that day, and for now I feel renewed.  I've never shared the fact that I have never been on a date except once or twice because I have felt so ashamed of it.  But there's nothing to be ashamed of - God loves me most, first, and best, followed by my dad, and even if I never go on a date, that's enough and I am so excited for the plans He has for me as I keep running the race He has marked out.

Lamentations 3:19-26

Isaiah 25:1

Psalm 8